I am Sam
by jomarch05
Summary: The evolution of Sam or the deconstruction of Sarah. Short Sarah centric piece incorporating quotes from the show and probably ending with my now most favorite quote except for 'I appreciated the tank'


**A/N - So my favourite show is finally back with the John Hughes mis-quotations (and song) and Princess Bride references! Suffice it to say that Ep13 was great and for once, I wish I wrote it :) Anyway, I don't own Chuck but after watching Ep13 with parts on constant replay, I really wish I did. **

**So, a number of quotes have been taken from the show and are not mine. This is un-beta'ed so be kind.**

**I am Sam**

_**I am Sam, Sam I am…**_

_**Dr Seuss**_

"I do not like them Sam I am, I do not like green eggs and ham." She can remember the rhythm of the words, the soft flow and cadence of her mother's voice as she sat on her lap and followed her finger as each word was highlighted and enunciated. Even now, her sense memory can recall the feeling of safety and of being loved each time she recites the words in her head. Noting she cannot say them out loud because she has not been Sam in such a long time.

She remembered being Sam until her mom had died. After which, she slowly became Katie who shared the same imaginary friend as Sam. Rebecca, on the other hand, hated her father in exact proportion to the amount Sam loved hers. It was Jenny though who diverged most because she was the one who made the choice to not be Sam anymore and move on.

"Sarah Walker." The first few times she used it, it had felt different each time, like it was growing on it and changing her from within. Sam liked dark chocolates and cycling for exercise but Sarah ran and had mixed berry yogurt as a treat. At the Farm, she had to be Sarah, all the time, learn to change her inflection, her walk and how she reacted. Sam would cry when she watched Bambi but Sarah wouldn't. Sam was weak and Sarah could survive anything.

"Congratulations on retrieving the information from your mark." When she completed the first part of her mission as Sarah, she went home and celebrated as Sam, dancing to the Pretenders and singing aloud to the Ramones. Graham had tracked her down at the small dance club, his eyes wary and judging and she tried her best to ignore him but he had been persistent.

"You are Sarah Walker". She hears him above the music but wants to pretend she cannot. Only he hands her the envelope he is carrying and as much has she wants to tear it up, she knows that it contains more information on who she has to be because she is no longer the person she once was.

"Now you're a spy." The second she pulled the trigger on her mark was when Sarah accepted that it was who she needed to be because Sam couldn't carry out those orders, not when the woman bent down to pick up her bracelet or even when she started reaching for her gun. Sarah had shot her and completed her Red Test.

"I don't want a partner." Sarah was a loner by design more than need. She liked company but understood that she could not start any relationships. Sam remembered the kind girls at school or the boy who helped her with her flat bicycle tire after school. All short term relationships because her dad needed to move around, creating a transient life for them, driven by his cons. Graham needed a team, two people he could trust who would work seamlessly together.

"I love you." Bryce had fallen hard for Sarah. He loved Sarah's focus and precision. He loved her dedication to her job and her passion at night. He never got to meet Sam because by then, she had all but disappeared. Bit by bit, subsumed under Sarah's identity, to be hidden away, never to be allowed to make a decision or show her preference.

"I was wondering if you could show me around. That is, if you're free...?." Sarah makes the invitation although for the first time in a long while, Sam feels something inside when she sees him help the ballerina. It was suppose to be an easy job. Find the chump and get the information Bryce had sent and it would end soon enough. Only it didn't and she suddenly found out that Sarah liked Chuck. Sam did too of course but Sarah was the brave one. She was the one who could keep up with Bryce and never let anything hurt her.

"We need to fake break up our fake relationship." It was Sam who had reeled from those words but Sarah had to stay strong, knowing that it was part of the cover and all in a day's work. Sarah was the one that checked Lou's flower deliveries and Sarah was the one who argued with Chuck as they were stuck in the boot of Stavros's car. Only she really had to admit that it had been Sam who threw caution to the wind and kissed him. Sam had not wanted to die without doing one last thing for herself.

"It's hard to say goodbye." Bryce seems to use the phrase ironically as he never says the word and even then he comes back anyway. He can't stay away from Sarah, always recognizing something in her that he sees in himself. Up until that last time when he suddenly realized she wasn't the same person he had fallen in love with. He'd never met Sam but if he had, he would have recognized that she was perfect for Chuck.

"I'll answer one question about my past." She had been ready to tell him her name. It had been on the tip of her tongue to let slip that she was Sam, that the girl he wanted to know was the girl she wanted him to meet. Only, he didn't ask and Sam once again retreated.

"He'll never bother you again." Sarah had pulled the trigger even though Sam had made the choice. Mauser had threatened Chuck and his family and she could see that he had meant every word. Sam had calculated the odds the way her father had taught her and she knew that she could not bet on Chuck's life like that.

"We need to run." Sarah had tried to follow Beckman's instructions and get Chuck to follow her back to base. However, when he thanked her, she knew he was looking at Sam and she couldn't go through with it. When he asked her why she had done it, she had wanted to come clean then and to tell him but in the end, she at least had the chance to show him even if it was only for a short time at the motel.

"Guys, I know Kung Fu." For the second time, Sam reels at his words and this time, Sarah can't accept them either. She's already calculating how much of her burn money she can get her hands on and how best to evade Casey such that she's not as nervous when she asks him to run away with her. Her happiness only eclipsed by her confidence that he will say yes and when he does, it's Sam who smiles back.

"I'm sorry, I can't" He doesn't know it then but that was the exact moment when he lost Sam. If he had looked into her eyes, he would have realized that Sam had impulsively kissed him as Sarah would have checked the exits to see if he was being followed.

"Because I don't want to hurt you." She looks at him askance before expertly taking him down with her bo. Sarah does not want to prove her point but cannot help it because she knows that he can't hurt her. She had hidden Sam away so that he would never be able to hurt her again.

"Sarah, I love you.."Sarah hears the words out of context and it surprises her but in the end, they don't make any difference. Even when he tries to explain about love changing someone, she cannot accept them at face value because he had not accepted Sam. Only when she sees the video Carina left for her, does she realize that he changed for Sarah because she never let him meet Sam until it was too late.

"So what do friends do?" Sarah desperately wants to try and fix this but she really does not know how to. Sam just does not want to be hurt again even though she's slowly beginning to realize that she very much wants to remember what it was like before.

"I'm Sam, my real name is Sam." Shaw kisses her and all Sarah can process is the fact that the one person who needs to know that detail is not the one she told it to because Chuck wanted to become a spy for Sarah and it was Sam who wanted to become a real person for Chuck. Only, he never got to meet her.

"Do you still love him?" Sarah's always been a good liar and it's easy for her to say no. Only, she's lying to herself more than she is to Shaw. She does love Chuck but she hates herself more. Sam would have never let him pull the trigger, she would have done everything in her power to protect Chuck.

"You were right in Prague, we're perfect for each other." He loves her, he's always loved Sarah Walker despite her flaws and all her efforts to push him away. Sarah had used Shaw as a shield but in the end, Chuck doesn't care because he loves her. Realizing at long last that she does not need to be Sam for him because he's never asked her to be someone else, always just loving her for herself.

"Do you love me?" The easiest of all questions to answer but the most difficult to articulate although in the end, she says yes because she's always loved him as well.

"Shut up and kiss me."

**The End**

**The last quote really does not need further explanation :)**


End file.
